Kyon: I'm a WHAT!
by The-Nagareboshi-girl
Summary: Istuki Koizumi...is an esper Yuki Nagato...is an alien Mikuru Asahina...is a time traveller Kyon...thinks he's human, But what happens if he isn't? Suck at summaries! Kyon/Yuki. some parts are going to be OOC but tthey shall be explained! Read and review
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: I got bored and this idea just sorta came. Not planned Anyway! Me and my friend just made it through the endless 8! We kinda didn't know it was coming! After LOTS of flopping screaming into pillows, pillow fights and taking out anger on phones…WE MADE IT THROUGH! Poor Japanese people must have been traumatized… yeah, anyhow we were dicussing fanfictions and we boh came up with this idea! Hope you like it! Please review after reading!**

Chapter 1: So the randomness begins!

"KYON GET UP!"

"No way."

"KYOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

"Do I have to?"

"YES!"

"I'll take that as a no…"

"Fine! I guess I'll have to drag you out of bed!"

"Do what you want…"

It was while his sister was pulling him out of his warm bed when Kyon was wondering if an alarm clock was really necessary when he had his little sister barge in every morning.

**Half-a-dread-filled-hour-later**

"Yo." Kyon said as he walked past Haruhi who was siting at her desk with her head in her hand.

"Hey," She looked up "why is Yuki here?" Looking to the door Kyon saw the girl carrying a book and shuffling towards him.

"Uh," He was about to tell her that she shouldn't be in their homeroom, but something about her expression told him that she didn't care. He opened his mouth to say something else but before the words even formed in his mind he got a book shoved in his face.

"Wha-?"

"Read it."

"But-"

"As soon as you get free time at lunch-break."

"O-ok…" He took the book from her. _**Demons of the world and exorcism**__, huh. Makes a change from aliens. Does she want me to meet her after school again? Or is it just some damn prank?_ He thought. He turned the book so the spine faced upwards and flicked through the pages looking for a bookmark or a note of some kind. When he was unsuccessful he slid the book in his bag and sighed.

**Two awful hours later**

Kyon ate his lunch faster than usual to avoid most of Tanaguchi's rants about how it was anyone's fault but his when women ignored him. He wandered outside and sat on the grass and pulled the book out of his bag and started to read.

_**Demons can appear in any shape or form. Certain people can see these demons and no matter what form they take on these people will always see the demon there. No matter what. These people could be human, esper or simply reincarnated from the past. But there is only one style of person who can actually destroy these demons from hell. They are exorcists. **__No shit Sherlock.__** Exorcists of today are rare and also very unique. They appear human but it is said that they descended form espers. **__Wow so Koizumi is actually linked to exorcists.__** In olden times, humans used to train to become exorcists but they never became full exorcists. The most they could do was simply remove demons that got caught in a human soul. As for modern times people rarely train like this anymore. True exorcists are born when the moon is full on clear night of grey. **__Clear night of grey? What the hell? __**It may take a while for their powers to awaken, if they do at all. Many people will live life without even knowing of he wonders they could have done for the world. **__Reminds me of a certain someone who doesn't know her powers. Oh crap lunch-break's nearly over. I'd better get to class._

Getting up while moaning about how stiff he was, he headed over to his next class.

**When school FINALLY finished**

Kyon huffed and shuffled out of his classroom,

"What's up with you? Ugh! Come ON!" Haruhi Grabbed him by the tie and yanked him in the direction of the club room. She rammed the door open, making Mikuru jump out of her skin.

"Y-you scared me!" She half-laughed, though Kyon knew that she was secretly petrified of Haruhi.

"So, what are we-…_you_ planning on doing today?"

"We'll wait until Koizumi's here, then the whole club will be here!" Haruhi beamed.

"Yeah so?" Kyon mumbled.

"Whaddya mean _so_? I can't afford having him miss out on anything important!"

**10 very boring minutes later**

"OH GOD, WHERE THE HELL IS HE?" Haruhi screamed and stormed out of the room. Kyon relaxed and sat back.

"Did you read it?" Yuki mumbled.

"Uh- yeah, its kinda…how to put it…interesting! I never would have thought that-"

"How far?"

"Sorry?"

"How far through it did you get?"

"Uh- I think I've nearly finished the first page…" Yuki turned her head back to her book. Was she really giving him the book so she could dimply discuss it with someone? Was she FINALLY showing some emotion? Kyon mentally laughed to himself. It was impossible. There was no way that…wait was she biting her lip? It was true! If you looked at her from the right angle she looked nervous!

"Hey, whats-"

"I'm back!" Yelled he last voice Kyon wanted to hear. Looking over to her Kyon saw that she was smirking while holding Koizumi's wrist. Koizumi, with that uncanny smile of his, was rubbing the back of his head while laughing awkwardly.

"Sorry, a friend of mine needed help finding his missing watch!" He laughed. When Haruhi let go, He pulled up a chair and sat down. While Haruhi stood on a chair and raised her arm in her usual fashion

"So anyway, I was thinking, what we need is...huh?" It was rare for Haruhi to randomly stop mid-sentence and stare at the door. So as any normal person would expect, everyone turned round to see what had attracted Haruhi's attention.

Stood there, was a young girl, looking the same age as everyone in the room. (With the exception of Miss Asahina and Miss Nagato. God knows how old they were at the time!) She had short black hair which would probably have gently brushed against her shoulders if she'd untie it from her high ponytail which was slightly longer than Haruhi's. She wasn't too short or too tall. She was about a head shorter than Kyon. Her eyes were a solid grey, but looking at them she may well have walked in holding a massive sign saying _Hi! I'm getting the shit scared out of me here!_ She was holding the door frame gently but her grip tightened when her eyes met Haruhi's

"A visitor!" Haruhi bounced off the chair but she was only halfway across the room when Itsuki go to her first.

"Kat? What's the matter?" He crept up to her in a way that was quite strange, like he had known her all of his life. Plus. Kyon had never heard that one of voice before.

"Huh? Itsuki? You know this girl?" Haruhi stopped mid-bound and relaxed. "That's great!" She yelled and shoved her into Koizumi's seat.

"So why have you come? Got any mysterious happening you wanna share with us No wait don't tell me! You've come to tell us something we don't know about Itsuki aren't you!" Haruhi yelled and slammed her hands on the table and pointed at this girl so dramatically she flinched.

"Look. Haruhi. Calm down. She probably came because Itsuki forgot something. She looks like she's in our year, she's probably in his class." Turning to this girl he sighed and said "Sorry but what's your name?"

"My name is Katarina Koizumi. As you have probably guessed, I'm Itsuki's sister." She had a stronger voice than Kyon had expected. It wasn't gentle like Miss Asahina's or Miss Nagato's. But it wasn't too loud or annoying like Haruhi's.

"If you must know I came to see if Itsuki was ok." Her eyes! He pupils were like pinpricks in granite! She was cold. Ice cold. Her arms folded and her eyes narrowed. You did NOT want to piss her off. But Haruhi was about to.

"Well! Can you get any more boring?" Haruhi scoffed.

"Excuse me? Just because you're too used too getting your own way doesn't mean you can play around with people like they're puppets!" _Hm. Yeah. BIG mistake girl. Koizumi's gonna be VERY busy with the giants tonight! But, if she's his sister then shouldn't she be…!_

"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!" Haruhi yelled as she walked out of the door. Katarina froze. She twitched.

"WELL I JUST DID BITCH!" She screamed. Haruhi stepped back. Speechless…for once.

"Y-YOU- YOU- YOU LOW-LIFE!" Haruhi screamed and started to run. Thankfully Koizumi caught her before any damage was done.

"Kat it's really time for you to-" Too late. She had already left. After the commotion Haruhi got into one of her moods and left.

"I'll give her a lecture or something when she gets home." Koizumi left.

"I-I need to leave soon." Miss Asahina said, Kyon left. Before he could make his way down the corridor he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"…Please." Miss Nagato mumbled

"Hm? Please what?" Kyon turned around, slightly disturbed by what was going on.

"Read more of the book I gave you."

"Yeah, sure I'll put off my homework since I don't have much."

"It is vital." And with that, she walked off.

Kyon huffed. _I'm exausted. Not that I know why. What happened today was nothing compared to what I've been through. _He looked to the sky._ I wonder if the girls are both ok? That Katarina really knows how to control a verbal fight. Since when did she go to our school anyway? I've never seen her around. She's a prime example of how looks can fool you. She looked so timid and shy, but I've only seen Haruhi that mad once before and that was me. _He winced at the memory. _Even if she isn't an esper, shouldn't she know about closed space and all that stuff? What if- What he hell? _Stood (Well, floating) before him was one of the most freakish things he had ever seen! Compared to this Shinjin, Haruhi, Koizumi's uncanny smile, Asakura turning evil, The talking cat, the frog costume, Mikuru beams and the memory of Tsuruya drugging Miss Asahina…were as scary as falling asleep in a warm bed when it came to this- this- this THING! It was like…someone had cut a body in half, put a load of black material over its head and dragged it Haruhi-style through all of the hedges and other…pointy…spiky things that rip clothes! Only it wasn't the clothes that were ripped. It was a part of this thing! The "ripped ends" of the "Cloth" was ever so slightly transparent yet, still black. Clear, yet red, blood dripped from the monster as its rugged breath went in and out. But it was more maroon than red. It tried to tilt its head to the side, but instead the whole thing came off! Well, nearly anyway, it was hanging on by a thin black sheet of "Skin." Clearly making Kyon want to puke. The monster shoved its head back to the correct position and lunged. Kyon tried to doge but…

**Author's note: WOW! This took a while to write! Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: hi again! Second chapter!**

Chapter 2: What. The. HELL?

The monster dived for Kyon. _Run._ His conscience told him. _Run like you have never run before!_ So he did. The thing glided across the floor catching up fast. _Crap crap crap CRAP! _His mind yelled. He didn't bother looking back anymore, he just had to get away!

**SMACK!**

Ah yes, **that's** where he ran into what felt like the wall of a force-field of closed space.

"Shit." He muttered. In the distance he thought he saw red blobs swirling round a big blue thing. But right now he was more interested in the fact that he was going to get his soul eaten…or…something bad like that. _What the hell am I supposed to do?_ His mind repeatedly screamed.

"HEY, KOIZUMI!"…No response.

"HARUHI? (Bad idea) ASAHINA? NAGATO?"

"Yes?" He spun round. There stood before him was Miss Nagato herself.

"Oh, thank god! Can you get rid of that thing?" Kyon pointed at the monster who was now pretty intrigued by the force-field wall.

"The Demon?"

"Yes."

"I cannot."

"WHAAAAA? WHY? CAN'T YOU _ERASE THE DATA_ OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?"

"I cannot see it."

"Then how…"

"**You,** are here."

"Thank-you captain obvious. As much as I like you, the demon is pretty fascinated by the wall. Once it miraculously figures out what it is. I'M WORM FOOD!"

"What is worm food?"

"Never mind. You were saying?" She tilted her head. _Confusion? Second emotion? Nah she didn't know what a glasses fetish was._

"About me, being here?" He suggested

"But if you are here everything is…ok."

"HOW? HOW IS EVERYTHING- wait… is that…how you feel about me?" Oh dear god. She loved him! Maybe she wasn't an alien! Maybe she just said she was to contain her feelings for him! Did she want him to stay away? Was it because she thought he loved Haruhi? _Never._ If she really is human then maybe…they could start a future together!

"What do you mean? If you had read the bookmarked page you should know how to slay a demon, Perform an exorcism, to damn a dead body and to-"

"Book…mark?"

"You did not read it?"

"I-uh didn't get home in time." She walked behind him and held him arms out in front of him!

"Where is it?"

"What?"

"Demon"

"Oh, over… here." He walked towards the mesmerized demon thingy with Nagato hanging on to his elbows shuffling behind him.

"Imagine an absorbing feeling in the palms of your hands." So he did. Strangely the demon made a noise which was a cross between a squeal and a scream…disturbing.

"Grab it." Ok…ew. It was drenched in rotten blood.

"Pull it towards your chest" Did he have to? Sighing he obeyed. It reeked of rotting flesh, lovely. Was that why Nagato had let go? He pulled the demon towards him while trying not to puke. _Ugh. I'm not gonna want to be doing his often. Wha-? When did-?_

A gaping hole appeared in his chest! As he looked down it was like looking into a black hole leading to nothingness. The whole thing was black with a purple spiral swirling round and round and… Oh god.

His legs trembling and his stomach back-flipping he carried on dragging it towards the hole. Soon enough, the demon was sucked right into the gaping hole. It was as if a hurricane had formed out of the black sea in his chest and had been summoned face first. It had leaned in as if to explore the portal and had been twisted inwards.

"I-is it over?" Kyon innocently asked.

"Yes. It is over." Nagato muttered behind him.

"If I collapse will you look after me?" She blinked.  
"…Yes."

"Thanks." He said to her. He would have sat down if he could, but the floor was covered in maroon blood and the demon's garments! She walked over and picked them up, observing them.

"Was that an exorcism?"

"No. That was banishment."

"Oh. Right. So I'm not an exorcist or anything like that?"

"You are an exorcist."

"WHAT?

"…" An Exorcist? Seriously? Oh dear God! Why was this day turning out from bad to worse?

"That is right. Miss Suzumiya wanted exorcists to walk the earth. Also, she wished for one to be close to her." She pointed at him"Are you injured?"

"What?"

"…"

"Uh- I think…" He looked down. All that was there was his solid chest. No gaping hole. No path to nothingness. No portal. Just his normal school uniform. He even thumped his chest just to make sure that there wasn't anything odd about it.

"I-I don't know. I don't feel sore…but there was that hole…"

"As long as you are ok then the world cannot end, neither will it be infested with demons."

"Right. Did Haruhi read a book about demons or something?"

"No. A relative of hers recently died. She now believes that when people die their spirits go to an alternate dimension where data is altered by 3.4563248-"

"Is this going to get confusing?"

"I am unsure of what is confusing to you."

"Never mind. Just carry on."

"The data is altered so that the area which will seem endless to the human mind shall be created and destroyed at will. Not just by Miss Suzumiya but by people who she chooses."

"Hm. So when I die I'll go to this place because she chose me I guess?"

"No. You will be able to alter the data because she chose you. If she approves of the human they go to the selected dimension. If she does not approve of the human the human shall go to this place. The closed space. The Demon that you banished was the spirit of the murderer of her relative. She longed for him or her to die. So the human died of a heart attack yesterday at 09:03"

"…o…k…then." Now, His head was spinning. He felt himself lose his balance, he staggered, trying to stay on his feet…fail. The last thing he saw was Nagato running towards him to catch him before he collided with the blood-stained floor.

**Author's note: *Groans* this took a while to write!**

**About the whole "banishment" thing was meant to be like the demon was getting dragged down to hell through Kyon. If you still don't get it all shall be explained next chapter! If not then feel free to PM me.**


	3. Chapter 3: Itsuki's idea's

**Author's note: hi guys! Sorry for the wait! I kinda haven't updated in like, ages! So sorry! On with the story! PS sorry about the confusion wit the last chapter! I tried to make it easy tto understand but It kinda failed. Enjoy!**

Chapter 3:Itsuki's ideas

"When did he collapse?"

"31 minutes 9.3947 seconds ago."

"Right."

"…"

"Is he…ok?"

"He has simply fainted of shock. It is most likely from the demon."

"I NEED to see what's so great about this _demon-thingy_!"

"…"

"When's he gonna wake up?"

"I do not know."

Itsuki sighed once more. Seeing his best friend in a heap on the ground was NOT a very pleasant sight. It was Kat's fault. If she had listened to him when he had told her NOT to upset Haruhi, none of this would have happened!

"Bloody idiot." He muttered. To make up for what she had done, Itsuki had made Kat destroy he shinjin. He still couldn't believe that she was an esper yet she HAD to go round saying things like that! Unfortunately, Sinead, her best friend and also an esper, agreed with her when it came to standing up for Haruhi and helped her get rid of the shinjin.

"Bloody Kat, bloody Sinead, bloody Haruhi and her god-like powers, bloody Exorcists, bloody aliens, bloody time-travelers, bloody espers why can't the world be made of bloody cheese or something? Yeah everyone would be happy then. Cheeeeeeeeese. I should propose the idea to Haruhi! Ha-ha! Yessssssss" Now, we all know that his was VERY unusual for Itsuki but when he got angry, he was worse than beyond birthday on drugs. MUCH worse. He always was able to control his secret insanity. Not this time. He soon got over himself when a very puzzled Yuki and a disturbed Kyon were staring at him.

"***ahem*** You didn't hear any of that. Now moving on are you ok Kyon."

"What. Is. Wrong. With. You?" Kyon mumbled

"Please don't answer questions with questions. I asked about you."

"I'm not so ok…do you take-" From the looks of his face, he was not lying!

"-Can you stand?" Yuki asked.

"I-think…" He tried hauling himself up via Itsuki's arm"…NOT!" He yelled as he crashed to the ground landing on his arse. Itsuki found it unbelievably hard to stifle a laugh.

"Soooooo," Kyon said while he took a quick look around. "I wasn't dreaming was I?" His head hung from his shoulders as if his neck was made of string.

"No. You were not." Itsuki could have sworn that at that moment he heard Kyon mutter something along the lines of _Try installing a program called "How to respond to rhetorical questions."_

"But you asked a question. All questions have one answer. I know the answer to all questions you may ask."

"Lets move on…" Kyon rolled his eyes and sighed at the same time.

"So how come you couldn't see the demon back there then?" Kyon asked while hauling himself up via Itsuki and somehow seceded. _Kyon, I sincerely wish you would stop it with your mood swings you gay boy. One minute you're all moody and yelling at me to piss off and the next I'm suddenly your best friend! I don't know when to like you or when to hate you which is making ME look gay! Urgh!_

"Isn't it obvious?" Isuki smiled

"No, not really." _WHAT THE HELL? YUKI GAVE HIM THE BOOK AND EVERYTHING! CAN'T HE WORK IT OUT FROM THERE? _Itsuki's mind screamed.

"You, Kyon, are an exorcist." Yuki mumbled

"I'm a WHAT?" Kyon yelled.

"A GODAMN EXORCIST!" Itsuki yelled. Kyon's eyes may well have popped out of his head from the way he stared at Itsuki. What was most surprising was that Yuki's expression actually mimicked Kyon's which was –to put it lightly- HILAIRIOS!

"Sorr-ie!" Itsuki huffed.

**The next day**

"Urgh! I'm so booooooreeeeeeeeeed!" Haruhi moaned. She was still in her P.E. clothes because she claimed she "couldn't be less bothered" changing. It was only Haruhi, Kyon, and Yuki in the clubroom. Itsuki was late as usual and Mikuru was on some trip some…place in…the world, Kyon couldn't even remember the name anymore and couldn't be bothered. He sighed then jumped when he saw Haruhi on the table bending over backwards with her hands and feet flat on the surface.

"Hmmmmm I'm still not having any fun!" She moaned.

"Well what did you expect to come out of a stupid pose like that?" but at that very moment something amazing happened! The door opened to reveal a visitor! Haruhi gasped, Kyon's eyes widened, Yuki blinked and the visitor yelled,

"Umm WRONG ROOM!" and slammed the door with a very disturbed look on her face.

"Blame yourself for that one." Kyon muttered.

**5 minutes later**

"Go on just do it. It's your own fault anyway!"

"She's not gonna like it."

"If you don't want to do it then don't!"

"No! She's got to make it up to her somehow!"  
"But she totally deserved it!"

"Yeah I agree with Kat!"

"girls are so pathetic..."

"HEY!"

"Itsuki, did you take your meds this morning?"

"...Yes? No? Maybe? I don't know!"

"I thought not, you've benn acting mad all day haven't you!"

"I...um...well...Just open the dorr already!"

The muffled voices from the other side of the door said.

"D'you reckon its Itsuki?"

"ARE YOU KIDDING? I'd know that voice anywhere! But... since when did Itsuki take meds?" Haruhi stared from the spot on the table where she stood. The door finally opened to reveal Itsuki who stepped sideways to reveal his sister and some other girl who eyed Haruhi like she wasn't worth a rat's arse.

"Haven't you two got something to say to Haruhi?" Itsuki glared at them.

"Itsuki wants us to join your…club." Kat huffed and glared back.

"Yeah well that's great and all I know Kat but who the hell are _you_?" She eyed the other girl suspiciously as if she were a spy.

"I'm Sinead. I'm also Kat's best friend. Itsuki seems to have something against me so when I claimed I was on her side he made me join too." She huffed glaring at Itsuki.

"I don't have anything against you. I just think that if you want to stop Katarina from going because you'll have no-one to talk o then why not get two for the price of one? Don't you agree Miss Suzumiya?" Itsuki fake-smiled.

"Yeah! That's a great idea!" She beamed and jumped off the tabled and began the introductions…

…

…...

…...

Introductions don't really take that long when it comes to Haruhi don't they?

Sinead and Katarina sat down next to each other and immediately started talking.

"I'm gonna have to go now. Aw I should have stayed longer so I could get to know you guys better! Ah well, see ya!" Haruhi slammed he door shut when she left.

"So, are you inhuman in any way?" Kyon asked Katarina and Sinead.

"Well yeah!" They replied in unison.

"We're the same as Itsuki, We're both espers,"

"But we're not too keen on the idea of cleaning up someone else's mess y'know?" Kat finshed.

"Well I can understand that…" Kyon shrugged.

"So." A voice said from the other side of the room.

"You guys want anything to drink? 'Cause I am as thirsty as what you would call hell!" Now who would speak in that way with such a gentle voice? Nope not Mikuru,(which was Kyon's first guess,) it was Yuki!

**Author's note:My internet went halfway through this (which, putting it lightly, was highly frustrating!) so it's a day late. Please comment! They make me smile!**


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